Motherwriter

Writing

Karina is writing her PhD and has two children. She also writes a blog karinaquinn.wordpress.com. Karina shares her experiences about how she manages and struggles with her two obligations and loves – her children and her writing.  Thank you Karina for sharing this beautiful piece of writing with Mother Ink.

I finished my chapter (for now) on breastfeeding three weeks ago and, let’s be honest, have written no new work since. I’ve read, I’ve copied down quotes, I’ve printed things out and looked at them and tried to rearrange them for a seminar and an article I need to have finished soon, I’ve thought about writing, but I haven’t actually written. This is a habitual and painful process that goes like this: write, complete something I actually like, then cease to write out of fear I’ll never be able to write well again. So I write this, as a herald to the end of fear and frozen-ness. I write this to say be gone. I write this to prove that I write.

In the last three weeks I added guilt to the fear, just so I could be really tortured. The dream of being away from my children five days a week has hovered just out of my line of sight for some time. I adore them and want them off me at exactly the same time. They are not fun, and nor am I right now. We rail at each other in the early morning, having already breakfasted, dressed, and done playdoh, tv, trampoline, and a walk before 7.30am. The second cup of tea does not touch the sides. Sparrow grabs at my legs and makes sure I cannot move. Monkey thinks this is funny and does the same thing. I stand, with my cup of tea, and take furious sips, and dream of my desk in that tall grey building crammed in with four other desks in a room with a window, and my books, and an absence of small bodies.

I am still unsure about my ability to do this thing, to write and to have children at exactly the same time. But I also know this: I can’t not write, and I can’t not have my children. So it will be done, because there is no other way.

This post comes from Karina’s blog

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Comments
One Response to “Motherwriter”
  1. So I write this, as a herald to the end of fear and frozen-ness. I write this to say be gone. I write this to prove that I write.

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